Room for Improvement: 2020 Edition
By Mike Marino
- I will be nicer to strangers, but will make up for it by being meaner to my children.
- I will no longer “own” my lactose intolerance by doing unspeakable things in the dairy aisle.
- I will be better about taking my Lipitor now that I know “salami hands” is not an actual side effect. I must have misheard something in the commercial.
- I will stop pranking my father by substituting salt-free saltines for his Stella D’Oro cookies. I will stop pranking my mother by substituting Alexa for her blood pressure monitor.
- I will start believing in love at first sight so I can stop obsessing over girls who won’t give me a second look.
- I will stop asking girls if they just saw my eye twitching. It’s not working as an ice-breaker.
- I will also stop using Ron Burgundy’s pick-up lines. They don’t work in the movies and they don’t work in real life.
- I will no longer leave small tips. My big tip for the year is that aged provolone is a horrible substitute for underarm deodorant.
- I will refrain from flirting with cocktail waitresses— unless they live within a 50-mile radius of the club.
- I will stop discussing my constipation issues with Vinnie, Nicky, Joey, Tony, Sallie and my mother—if they stop yelling “Can I buy a bowel?” whenever we all watch Wheel of Fortune.
- I will not drink anything stronger than wine for lunch. However, lunch will now start at 10:00 am.
- I will return all the crap I bought in the after-Christmas sales. I do not need a lawnmower. I don’t even have a lawn.
- I will not ask the nurse, “Are my tonsils out?” when I wake up from my next colonoscopy.
- I will stop asking people on the way out, “Do you need a colonoscopy…or do you just want one?”
- I will no longer steal the little soaps in my hotel bathroom. However, lightbulbs are still fair game.
- I will keep saying “at the hospital” instead of “at hospital” because I don’t want to sound like Tarzan.
- I will not waste money on a gym membership. Wandering aimlessly through the house at 3 am is just the right amount of exercise for me.
- I will stop telling other comics that I just signed a half-million dollar development deal with Netflix right before they go on stage—as soon as I get tired of watching the blood drain out of their faces. EDGE