Room for Improvement: 2020 Edition

By Mike Marino

  • I will be nicer to strangers, but will make up for it by being meaner to my children. 
  • I will no longer “own” my lactose intolerance by doing unspeakable things in the dairy aisle. 
  • I will be better about taking my Lipitor now that I know “salami hands” is not an actual side effect. I must have misheard something in the commercial. 
  • I will stop pranking my father by substituting salt-free saltines for his Stella D’Oro cookies. I will stop pranking my mother by substituting Alexa for her blood pressure monitor.
  • I will start believing in love at first sight so I can stop obsessing over girls who won’t give me a second look. 
  • I will stop asking girls if they just saw my eye twitching. It’s not working as an ice-breaker. 
  • I will also stop using Ron Burgundy’s pick-up lines. They don’t work in the movies and they don’t work in real life. 
  • I will no longer leave small tips. My big tip for the year is that aged provolone is a horrible substitute for underarm deodorant. 
  • I will refrain from flirting with cocktail waitresses— unless they live within a 50-mile radius of the club. 
  • I will stop discussing my constipation issues with Vinnie, Nicky, Joey, Tony, Sallie and my mother—if they stop yelling “Can I buy a bowel?” whenever we all watch Wheel of Fortune. 
  • I will not drink anything stronger than wine for lunch. However, lunch will now start at 10:00 am. 
  • I will return all the crap I bought in the after-Christmas sales. I do not need a lawnmower. I don’t even have a lawn. 
  • I will not ask the nurse, “Are my tonsils out?” when I wake up from my next colonoscopy. 
  • I will stop asking people on the way out, “Do you need a colonoscopy…or do you just want one?” 
  • I will no longer steal the little soaps in my hotel bathroom. However, lightbulbs are still fair game. 
  • I will keep saying “at the hospital” instead of “at hospital” because I don’t want to sound like Tarzan. 
  • I will not waste money on a gym membership. Wandering aimlessly through the house at 3 am is just the right amount of exercise for me. 
  • I will stop telling other comics that I just signed a half-million dollar development deal with Netflix right before they go on stage—as soon as I get tired of watching the blood drain out of their faces. EDGE 
Editor’s Note: When Mike Marino isn’t touring, he can often be found working out of his folks’ house in Scotch Plains. For more about the Bad Boy of New Jersey Comedy—including upcoming club dates—visit him on the Web at